Feeling Cheated as an Autism Parent

June 18, 2025:  I have always been excited for the last day of school, first as a student and even more so as a teacher. That giddy exuberance augmented with every school year, but on this morning, I don't wake up and feel overjoyed, instead I am rather agitated, and I don’t know exactly why. I go through the rest of the morning, signing yearbooks, and packing up my room, but the agitation doesn’t go away; instead, it lingers like bad perfume, and for some reason, the pungent aroma builds.

After graduation practice a few Seniors stop by to pay their respects and ask me to sign their yearbook. Ater a few epitaphs it occurs to me; Dante would have graduated from High School. Once I pieced it together, this realization really took hold of me.  

Every once in a while, I unexpectedly encounter moments like this that sadden and depress me to no end, and for good reason.  It's not like Dante was suffering, it wasn't about him, instead it was all about me, another milestone where I felt cheated as a parent. I had been here before, mostly throughout Dante's adolescent years, but I didn't see this one coming. I tried to shake it off, but I couldn't, or maybe it was more like, I didn't want to.

Where I work, all of the teachers from the High School works graduation, but back when Dante lived with me full time, it was literally not an option. Instead, I would make an arrangement where I would stay for the full day instead of going home like the rest of the staff, which made up for not making it to graduation. With Dante no longer under my care, I was able to attend the 23' and 24' graduations, but I really didn't want to stay for this one, it would be impossible for me to be happy for my former students.

When the class of 2025 were sophomores, I taught many of them that 2022-2023 school year. I had just gotten through a heart wrenching August where Dante spent 23 days at a hospital and then was admitted to a group home in Robbinsville, NJ. I was constantly worried about Dante while he was there, and I felt like a failure as a father. I do remember thinking in September of 2022, that these students in my class were my son's age, but that was the extent of it. The connection with this class and my son never again entered my head, until this graduation day.

I asked my new principal if it was possible for me to miss graduation, I did my best to explain what I was going through and offered to stay for the full day like I had years past, even later, if necessary. (If all else failed I was willing to have my pay docked) As I was wrapping up my tale of woe, all of the painful memories from the past few years replayed in my head. I was doing my best to keep it together, but before long I was bawling like Dick Vermeil at a press conference. The principal was very compassionate and told me I didn't have to go to graduation and that I didn't have to stay at school any longer. While it is distinctly possible that Madame Principal just wanted the water works out of her office, I was relieved I didn't have to attend graduation for that particular year.

Surprisingly, I didn't feel guilty about missing it. The graduating class of 2025 were a great group of kids, at least the ones that I had in class, but had to do this, for me. It would have been torture for me to go through that year's ceremony. In years past I have kept my Dante drama outside the workplace, and while I probably could have done it once again, I simply chose not to. This had nothing to do with Dante and everything to do with me, yeah, I guess I was a little selfish. . . . . . . .